Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.