Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

[starbucks]

One tall iced latte please

“Ok, can I have a name?”

Well ok but it really should come from your parents

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.