Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

*Drunk dials Mr. Clean

My house is soooooo dirty right now.

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over