Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
This is not me but this is me
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I have a type: disappointing
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors