Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses