Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
when someone compliments me
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you