Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.