Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
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Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.