Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
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Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Shoo shoo! 😂
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.