Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
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This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
that lip filler tho
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.