Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved

35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)

#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”