Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
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[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Girl, same.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.