Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

My funeral better have a fkn merch table

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

*Don’t Walk sign flashes*

Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”

If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]