Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

you stereotypes are all alike

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.

*a plane missed the runway

I want this so bad