Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

*drops pizza slice on the floor

Hey can I get another slice?

*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990