Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
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it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man