Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
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I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*mops up wine with cat*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR