Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[montage of me giving-up]
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
three things we don’t talk about
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines