Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.