Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
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I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
And then there were 4
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches