Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
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*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.