Not with that attitude
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Good morning, Twitter x
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.