Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”

Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

Favourite diary entry ever

🙀🙀🙀😹

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.