Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

don’t be scared

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

Me: Do you like my novel?

Publisher: it’s a tree

Me: I told you it was in the early stages

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

the pigeons are already plenty salty

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.

Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.