Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

I laughed at this way too hard.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

kid: whats the meaning of life?

me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end

kid: where do babies come from?

me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

crazy

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron