Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

(filming reality TV show)

him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot

me: so a guy with just one foot?

him: no, an ape-type creature

me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot

him: he has 2 feet

me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?

him: get out

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?