Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

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“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Always 🥴

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

This squirrel eats better than I do

[blind date]

HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato

ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it

One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!