Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?

ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”

[gets bit by spider]

[I don’t get powers]

[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50