Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying

My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”