Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

my professor scared me for a second

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.