Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
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I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna