Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
(True)
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
prepare for carbonated trouble
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.