Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
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His flabber was gasted 😂
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
⛄️
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
reduce, reuse, recycle
what the hell pray for carter everyone
