Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
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Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.