Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.

AM I BEING GASLIT????

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

Yeah….so is a grenade

“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture