Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.