Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

i love modern commerce

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

People buying plungers never look happy.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.