Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
this is literally a CIA plant
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
WWE is French for “yes”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them