Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about