Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.