Note to self: always read the final line
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me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years