Note to self: always read the final line
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Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.