Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

To everyone I’ve wronged this year. Next year same time same place

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

[Bowling date]

Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…

Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.