Skating is just walking in cursive.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens
… I think my cough medicine expired