Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

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Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.


Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.


GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.


*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…


Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.


An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face


Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired