Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror