Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.