Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

A completely valid reaction tbh