Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
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Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Netflix and you sit over there.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
こいつ天才
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring