I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.