Note to self: I am a note
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My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Sure. Why not?
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.