Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
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History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend