Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me