Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
A bold strategy
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
(yawn)
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.