Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
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I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
I have a new favorite meme page
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
first you must answer his riddles
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad