Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
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Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
