Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention