Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”