Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

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Morningbreath

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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

My wife: am I beautiful?

Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat

*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores

Effort made

turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it