Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Managing expectations
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
work smarter, not harder
