Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
no one likes gloating
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON: