Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
brian had himself a morning…
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
This is my emotional support knife.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg