Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
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[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot