Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.