Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I was just discussing this with my cat
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer