Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.