Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

my mind

You just read my mind

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate