Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
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I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I put the p in pants.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
no exceptions
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.