Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

meanwhile over on facebook

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING