Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.