Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My doctor didn’t finish at the top of her class, but she assures me she copied off the person who did.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…