Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

me: it’s an egg dying party!

8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

🤔😂😂

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Mornin. * use accordingly

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Psychologist : What is troubling you.?

Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.

Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?

Me : Next Monday.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.