Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed
