Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
thinking about this
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
a badder mouse
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future