Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Pikachu found the lost joint
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Cold.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them