Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.