Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
You Might Also Like
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.