Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Good morning, Twitter 😊
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more