Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high

MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

I put the hot in psychotic.

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad