A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.